According to a report by William T. Cox — a reporter for The Pennsylvanian Press —  a squonk (Lacrimacorpus dissolvens), a creature long thought to be extinct,  was captured this morning. The salient details of the article are presented below:

In the hemlock forests of northern Pennsylvania, a rare squonk  was caught this morning, but no picture was taken and only observational notes survive as a description of the elusive creature (Illustration by Coert Du Bois).

J.P. Wentling, who miraculously coaxed the shy animal into a sack, describes the creature’s skin as “an ill-fitting suit covered with repulsive lumps and oddly colored blotches.”

Wentling (who unkind neighbors are now accusing of an excess abuse of alcohol, which is carefully concealed) claims that a plethora of tears leaked from the squonk’s eyes, and he was sure that the creature was ashamed of its own appearance.

When Wentling arrived home, he opened the sack to display his catch; unfortunately, the sack was empty, but for a large amount of liquid, which Wentling declared was “…the remains of a miserable beast that had cried itself to death.”

 

 

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